I’m still journaling…and your name keeps popping up. It’s been two years since things ended between us and it appears you have not gone quietly. It’s literally everyday buddy. I haven’t cut the line yet, I still think it’s not the end. And yes, I know it was me who ended it, so it’s pitiful, pathetic and embarrassing of me to have these feelings and expect you to listen. These past two months I’ve been this ( ) close to purchasing the ticket and showing up at your door. To tell you everything you already know. You know I still love you. You know if I weren’t gone away, I’d be there resting my chin on your head while you did work on your laptop in the bed. I’d be nibbling your ears, nuzzling your shoulder and pressing my cheek as close to yours as possible. And you’d me laugh, but not as hard as you’d make yourself laugh. We’d be happy in every sense of the word, and I’d feel zero loss of freedom from it.
You know we’re both fucked. I’ve never known anything to be better than what I knew was happening with you. Honestly, it’s unfair to the other women of the world. They’ll never get a fair shot because there can’t be two of you. It’s cruel that there are men who will never know what it feels like watch you walk into a room or share a cup of coffee and the conversation that follows . I could never describe to you the soul-melting warmth that conquers my existence when I turn and see you next to me. Hell, I get that feeling when I see your incoming calls. I am the greatest version of myself when I’m with you. I knew it then and I know it even more now. My favorite version of me is the version holding your hand. You gave me my diagnosis and then you became my cure. My whole life, I never knew I had anxiety until I met you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it was as if I’d been using coke my entire life and I one day I switched to Ecstasy. Before I met you, I had only known what it was like to be a couple, to have a girlfriend. We weren’t a couple, we were two souls turned into one. You have become part of me and my life the way water becomes the cup. You also like Bruce Lee movies.
You know all of this. Two years ago you knew all of this and somehow you’re not here when I turn to look. I went back in my journal and found you a week after we met. You popped up again in California. Then in Oklahoma, Kansas, and now North Carolina. I feellllll like this is the moment in the movie when the protagonist has the ah ha! moment and hops on the next flight out of town. I always imagined I’d be that guy and it drove me MAD by how long it would take him to realize it! I guess you could say I should’ve seen this coming.
You’re my soulmate, if I’ll ever have one. You’re the Nala to my Simba and and the sunshine that wakes me up in the morning. If I never had to sleep again, I’d spend every night staying up and talking with you my love. I SERIOUSLY don’t think I would ever get sick of you! You’re the fucking best!
Am I already too late?
P.S. your dad is not the man of the house. He’s been jobless for four years.
Rogue NPC 